27/10: Joke | Blonde and the jumperA blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, “I'll take that bet!”
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said, “I can't take this, you're my friend. I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money.”
The blonde replied, “Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!”
27/10: Joke | La PerfumeOne day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi."
The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me."
So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.
"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."
So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."
So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, "You now have 3 wishes."
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger."
She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"
Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"
I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"
“That’s a Thermos,” the clerk said. “It keeps some things hot and some things cold.”
“Wow,” said the blonde. “That’s amazing. I’m going to buy it!”
So she bought the Thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.
“What do you have there?” he asked.
“Why, that’s a Thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” she replied.
Her boss inquired, “What do you have in it?”
The blond replied, “Two popsicles and some coffee.”
27/10: Joke | 60 is the worse age!"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, not really I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and have a movement every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
06/10: Joke | Catfish StankA woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.
There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on.
She says, "Excuse me, Sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.
She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it cost $20.00."
She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to get her purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there
is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. And thank you for shopping Wal-Mart."
06/10: Joke | Lifegaurd's AdvisePatrick, who was vacationing in the Bahamas couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man... you'll have all the babes ya want!"
The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!
So he went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?" "Damn, Mate!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!!"
06/10: Joke | Scrub cleanMum walked into the bathroom one day & found young Johnny furiously scrubbing his penis with a toothbrush and toothpaste. "What the hell do you think you're doing, young man!" she exclaimed. "Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day, because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister's."
06/10: Joke | ColoradoLeaving Minnesota for Colorado, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall...
"Hi there, how is it going?"
Okay, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say so finally I say:
Then the voice says:
"So, what are you doing?"
I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say:
"Well, I'm going back to Colorado..."
Then I hear the person say all flustered:
"Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me."
06/10: Joke | Rather Go to PrisonA woman woke up in the middle of the night and her husband was not in the bed. She heard him in the living room sobbing and weeping like mad.
She asked him, ''Honey, what is wrong?''
He replied, ''Well, remember when you were 15 and I was 19, and you got pregnant, and your father said I either have to marry you or go to jail for having sex with a minor?
Well, this is the day I would have gotten out of prison.''
06/10: Joke | Living StatueTwo statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"
06/10: Joke | Getting WeighedJoe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
06/10: Joke | Mom's SpongeLittle Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He points at her bush and asks, "What's that Mommy?"
A little embarrassed, she tells him that is is her sponge. Tommy is satisfied with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys. Some time later, Tommy catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her bush for bikini season. Tommy asks her, "Where is your sponge mommy?"
Again embarrassed she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon. Tommy is a little worried and promises his mommy that he will help her find it. His mother says okay, and goes back to showering. Soon, Tommy comes running back in and says that he has found his mother's sponge. "What do you mean you found my sponge? Where?"
"The lady next door has it and she's washing Daddy's face with it!"