October 16, 2008: Top TEN Law Firm Interview Questions

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One of the worst experiences in law school
has been the ritual of submitting applications
for summer employment and then going
through a series of 20-minute screening
interviews  that would put a marine drill
sergeant to shame when it comes to
humiliating and dehumanizing you. Here
are my top-ten (least) favorite questions,
and how I actually answered them as
opposed  to how I would have liked to
answer them.

1. Why are you interested in this firm?

What I said: Your firm handled (insert name
of case I read on their website) which I found
to be exciting because it was just like another
case I was reading in this class I got an A in.
I've also asked some (read: none) upper class-men
about your office and they said it's a great work environment.

What I thought: I looked through your attorney roster and saw that you hire people who
do not appear to have any honors and come from bad law schools. That made me think
that I have a chance to work here.

2. Why did you go to law school?

What I said: I went to law school because I want to be able to make a difference. Legal
work allows me to be competitive and to work for justice, both of which are important
things in my life.

What I thought: That's a good question, and I ask myself it daily. I'd have to say the
answer is, stupidity.

3. Do you think your grades are an accurate reflection of the kind of work
you will do as an attorney?

What I said: Law school has been a challenge, and I think my grades reflect that. More
important than my grades, which by the way have steadily improved over my academic
career, is my dedication to the work I do. My performance during my summer jobs is the
best indicator of how I will work, and you will find that my previous employers were all
pleased with me (or at least forgot who I am and so will not remember the fuck ups).

What I thought: My grades are absolutely a good reflection of how I will work. I will put
in the minimum amount of effort needed to not get fired, and I will approach my job with
contempt and disinterest.

4. What would you say is your greatest weakness?

What I said: My greatest weakness is that I get too personally involved with my work.
For instance, when I am working on trial prep, and then the case settles favorably, I feel
as though it should have gone to trial anyway, despite knowing that the settlement is
what's best for our firm and our client.

What I thought: Pussy. If there are any females in your office, you can be certain I will
work twice as hard to get into their pants as I will to make my billables. And yes, since
you require us to bill 1,900 hours, that means I will be sexually harassing my co-workers
3,800 hours a year.

5. Tell us about a recent mistake that you have made.

What I said: I accidentally misfiled a case at work that was set to go to trial the next
week. As soon as I realized this, I alerted my supervisor and disaster was averted.

What I thought: An even bigger mistake I've made has been wasting 20 minutes of my
life in this interview instead of taking a dump, that would have been much more
satisfying and productive.

6. What do you do for fun?

What I said: I enjoy jogging, skydiving, and traveling to exotic countries.

What I thought: When I really want to have fun, I grab my "Big Butt Sluts # 24" DVD, a
bottle of Bourbon, and a bottle of lube. By the end of the night, both bottles are empty,
and my room smells like jizz and puke.

7. Tell us about your style of leadership.

What I said: I lead by taking the initiative and working proactively with my peers to
come up with solutions.

What I thought: I lead by playing "The Eye of the Tiger" on a boombox while pounding
my fist on the table and shouting insults. (It works, I've done it)

8. If you don't get hired by this firm, what will you do?

What I said: I will analyze what I could have done better during the interview and take
that knowledge with me into my next interview with [rival firm name].

What I thought: I will breath a sigh of relief that I won't be working for an asshole like
you. Or I will stalk you and slit your throat. I haven't decided yet.

9. Do you have any questions for us?

What I said: Will I have a key so that I can come in and work on the weekends?

What I thought: Will I have a key so that I can come in and have sex with my girl friend
on my desk on the weekends?

10. We value creativity among our associates. With that in mind,
what kind of plant would you be, and why?

What I said: I would be a tree, because they are tall, strong, and live a long life.

What I thought: I would be a tree, so that I could fall on you and kill you

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