One of the worst experiences in law school
has been the ritual of submitting applications
for summer employment and then going
through a series of 20-minute screening
interviews that would put a marine drill
sergeant to shame when it comes to
humiliating and dehumanizing you. Here
are my top-ten (least) favorite questions,
and how I actually answered them as
opposed to how I would have liked to
1. Why are you interested in this firm?
What I said: Your firm handled (insert name
of case I read on their website) which I found
to be exciting because it was just like another
case I was reading in this class I got an A in.
I've also asked some (read: none) upper class-men
about your office and they said it's a great work environment.
What I thought: I looked through your attorney roster and saw that you hire people who
do not appear to have any honors and come from bad law schools. That made me think
that I have a chance to work here.
2. Why did you go to law school?
What I said: I went to law school because I want to be able to make a difference. Legal
work allows me to be competitive and to work for justice, both of which are important
things in my life.
What I thought: That's a good question, and I ask myself it daily. I'd have to say the
answer is, stupidity.
3. Do you think your grades are an accurate reflection of the kind of work
you will do as an attorney?
What I said: Law school has been a challenge, and I think my grades reflect that. More
important than my grades, which by the way have steadily improved over my academic
career, is my dedication to the work I do. My performance during my summer jobs is the
best indicator of how I will work, and you will find that my previous employers were all
pleased with me (or at least forgot who I am and so will not remember the fuck ups).
What I thought: My grades are absolutely a good reflection of how I will work. I will put
in the minimum amount of effort needed to not get fired, and I will approach my job with
contempt and disinterest.
4. What would you say is your greatest weakness?
What I said: My greatest weakness is that I get too personally involved with my work.
For instance, when I am working on trial prep, and then the case settles favorably, I feel
as though it should have gone to trial anyway, despite knowing that the settlement is
what's best for our firm and our client.
What I thought: Pussy. If there are any females in your office, you can be certain I will
work twice as hard to get into their pants as I will to make my billables. And yes, since
you require us to bill 1,900 hours, that means I will be sexually harassing my co-workers
3,800 hours a year.
5. Tell us about a recent mistake that you have made.
What I said: I accidentally misfiled a case at work that was set to go to trial the next
week. As soon as I realized this, I alerted my supervisor and disaster was averted.
What I thought: An even bigger mistake I've made has been wasting 20 minutes of my
life in this interview instead of taking a dump, that would have been much more
satisfying and productive.
6. What do you do for fun?
What I said: I enjoy jogging, skydiving, and traveling to exotic countries.
What I thought: When I really want to have fun, I grab my "Big Butt Sluts # 24" DVD, a
bottle of Bourbon, and a bottle of lube. By the end of the night, both bottles are empty,
and my room smells like jizz and puke.
7. Tell us about your style of leadership.
What I said: I lead by taking the initiative and working proactively with my peers to
come up with solutions.
What I thought: I lead by playing "The Eye of the Tiger" on a boombox while pounding
my fist on the table and shouting insults. (It works, I've done it)
8. If you don't get hired by this firm, what will you do?
What I said: I will analyze what I could have done better during the interview and take
that knowledge with me into my next interview with [rival firm name].
What I thought: I will breath a sigh of relief that I won't be working for an asshole like
you. Or I will stalk you and slit your throat. I haven't decided yet.
9. Do you have any questions for us?
What I said: Will I have a key so that I can come in and work on the weekends?
What I thought: Will I have a key so that I can come in and have sex with my girl friend
on my desk on the weekends?
10. We value creativity among our associates. With that in mind,
what kind of plant would you be, and why?
What I said: I would be a tree, because they are tall, strong, and live a long life.
What I thought: I would be a tree, so that I could fall on you and kill you
1. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
person who drives a race car not called a racist?
2. Why is the man who invests all your money called a 'broker'?
3. Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?
4. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
5. Why are the obituaries found in the "living" section of the newspaper?
6. Are one handed people offended when police tell them to put their hands up?
7. How can sweet and sour sauce be sweet and sour at the same time?
8. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
9. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
10. What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
09/10: Joke | The smart blonde
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, ""I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa. ""Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, ""Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."" This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. ""What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes
up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer,
puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references,
no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and
searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers,
to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her
$500.00. The blonde says, ""Thank you,"" and turns back
to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde
and asks, Well, what's the answer? " Without a word, the blonde
reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back
09/10: How to be drop dead gorgeous
The following is a little essay on how to be beautiful...
Given that it is probably better, on the whole, to be extraordinarily good-looking
than not to be we shall look into how to be beautiful today. That is, today we will
commence an investigation into how to look beautiful Most of the time, not just
today, as it is already too late to look drop-dead gorgeous today, which is a pity
but oh well. I have already learned, for instance, that you can look sexy without
looking sleazy. That is good. It is very nice that there are people who write helpful
articles like that. I am not sure, however, that I should look sexy, as I work in a
library and I am not sure that sexiness is the look I should be shooting for. Nor am
I altogether sure that I ought to be expressing my sexuality at work. I just want to
look beautiful in a modest and unostentatious way. I will ask my boss about this.
She is a kindly person and very knowledgeable about library work. You should
always consult your boss before appearing at work with stylishly alluring sensuality.
I have never paid much attention to my appearance. That is probably why I am
single at 41. I am looking into how to acquire a hassle-free, soft, kissable look,
if that turns out to be okay with my boss. Being lazy, I am hoping for effortless
beautification. Looking good can be easy, I have read so far. I am very much
encouraged to know that. And I can achieve an incredible look. This is wonderful.
I am going to discover a more beautiful me. This is too splendid for words. I can be
stunning with minimal effort. I can add glamour to my life and build my self-esteem.
This is just grand. I am so excited. I am going to learn how to be beautiful in a jiffy,
I think after several weeks of extensive reading and considerable expense. We are
going to discover what beauty products are right for me. And for you, if you look
a lot like me. Or will, after my makeover and won’t that be nice and won’t you
be lovely? And energized. And empowered. This is going to be great.